Courage to soldier on

I am not going to punish myself anymore. In the past year I have applied to at least a hundred jobs in the area and outside the state. Ninety percent haven't called or emailed me any kind of response. I have let this invade my psyche, even though I had no really desire to work there and little to no idea who the company was I was applying for.

I knew how ridiculous this was, but couldn't help the desperate and continued search for some direction to my life. Today I walked in the park, enjoying the warmer Northwest Ohio spring day; reflecting on that enduring pull towards the arts. Always a fleeting desire pushed aside by lack of funds or time.

I can admit that those are excuses. When I submit to anything creative I always feel better! In truth, I was writing a few years ago and had all the same stresses I have today, but I felt better. My downfall was writing a manuscript and taking a real honest look at what I wrote. I exposed things I didn't mean to expose. As anyone who has ever done that, knows just how terrifying it is to see your soul bared. This is real writer's block.

I have tried, as this blog shows, to recapture that flow time and time again to no avail.

But what does one thing have to do with the other...EVERYTHING! The past weeks I have been burnt out and frustrated by all the jobs I have applied for to no avail. I have wondered if the powers that be may have something else planed for me and it's time I stop fighting it. I am not going to resolve to write more, but to submit: Two each month.

I will continue to use this space as a diary of sorts, a writers retreat and tale of her pursuits, failures, and successes.

Embracing Change

One year ago I walked away from a familiar life. That was harder than anyone who hasn't done it could know. No it wasn't a happy one but I learned to accept it, even embrace it in a way. With some reflection, I cannot today, recognize that person. To date it is one of the  bravest things I have done, I hoped it was going to be a good decision but the future is so unknown there was no way to KNOW. I didn't have anything but faith and hope, and on that I jumped blindfolded into the unknown.

It has not been a postcard year. But one of tremendous change; internal and external. 

I find myself ready to move on and move forward. There isn't anything holding me back: except me. Unsure of what to do, the past week I have applied to dozens of jobs with no direction or focus. As much as I would like to say: hospitality is in my past. I wonder. Of course there are many things I would never miss, but still there are many more things I miss. The family like atmosphere is one of the biggest. In this past week I have been told that I am suited for it. And I miss it. Don't get me wrong, I would love to open my own bistro. But without the financial backing and credit that looks up to the toilet, I just cannot see it just yet.

So hospitality it is! But looking around at the gray and brown landscape, the cold, bone shattering wind six months out of the year has me looking elsewhere. So could there be more changes to come. I hope so! I shall embrace the change... 

Nothing Left to Lose...

I gave seven+ years of my life to the hospitality industry. Dealing with arrogance beyond what I thought possible in people. I stayed for those wonderful people I met along the way. Both co-workers and guests. 

It's a selfless career path. I would do whatever I could to make people happy and comfortable. I realized that they were away from home and that in itself is a hard thing. I met people who spent more time in hotel beds than their own. Finding that I could make at least some difference in their comfort was worth all the grief I may get from the few people who were only happy in their misery. 

But.



I don't think I will go back to that. I walked into work Wednesday, just after siting down to review my emails, my boss called me into her office. I prepared myself for yet another scolding, I should have prepared myself for more. For the first time in my life I was fired from a job. I will admit I was surprised even though I knew it would eventually come. For when you have a target on your back, as anyone who has ever had one knows, it's like a tattoo: only a painful surgery will remove it. 

With mixed emotions I have walked through the past days, ready to close that chapter of my life and fearful of the unknown future. There has even been cheer. So many of my co-workers have reached out. It's nice to know there was appreciation. I hope they all know how much I love them and will miss each of them.

But.

What to do. I admit, I have no idea! So here I am. 

I took a day trip with my wonderful daughter yesterday and camera. I realize all the pictures have a theme: Loneliness.

I was going for solidarity. The images tell the truth of it. I have felt alone for so long a time that I am not sure there is any other truth. So I face the truth of it and move forward. Perseverance! I have nothing left to lose and an adventure at hand. I shall seek out my next chapter and share the trials I encounter. 

Therapy Session

Therapy session: Sorry but bare with me. I am playing the this is my world card, so I can do and post what I want. And what I need to post is something that needs to be let go, to breathe.

He walked towards her with such fierce single minded determination; had it been any other man she’d known in her life she would have been frightened by the look in eyes. He was different, something hard to communicate, but it came down to his eyes. The way they smiled even when he didn’t and when he did smile, especially with mischief, they radiated such energy that she knew: he was a good man.

Their passions mixed, collided even in their fumbling. It was the greatest complement of her life to see and feel that desire. All she wanted was him; everything else was secondary, inconsequential. His warm breath and firm lips found the curve in her neck, while his smell electrified her senses. She could taste the musky warmth that surrounded him.

Did he have any idea the power which he held over her? It surprised and excited her; she could feel this for him and even more that she would share it.

Perhaps one day this will make its life somewhere, but for now: this is it.

Hello again!

The last year has been a rough one, however, things are finally smoothing out and I am anxious to get back to my writing. I think it's funny how I have to be in a good "place" in order to want to find my way back to those other worlds. :-)


But, I don't think I will find my way back to all the same worlds I was developing before. One that I hope I can find is the one I was working on here. I really liked where the characters were going and the grittiness of the world. Plus, I was about to introduce my protagonist. The one we love to hate. That said, I will try...and maybe with enough pain I will find my way. I hope that you will join, encourage and criticize (when necessary) me. ~Thank you!

my blog

Sorry for the technical difficulty with the blog layout. I am working on getting things under control, and as soon as I do, I will post another portion of the story.
Thank you.

For Magic to Survive Someone Must Sacrifice--Part III

She sunk into the straw mattress, her hair fanned on the pillow accentuating her pale skin: a dark angel.

“Father, is she...” Bailyn couldn’t pull himself away from the girl. He thought of Sleeping Beauty, and in spite of himself, he imagined bending down and placing a soft kiss on her rough lips.

Molina moved her brother aside, “She’s not dead,” she said. “Look her chest moves.” An unfamiliar feeling, it was a curious notion, crossed her consciousness. Goosebumps raced up her arms despite the warmth from the stove.

She needed to touch the mystifying girl, but she hesitated for fear of what it would do, and more than that, she was afraid.

“Children, Jon come away now,” the woman said. “Molina, fetch some blankets from the cupboard; Bailyn, run to the well for water; Jon, put the kettle on.” She took a slow deep breath; she could taste the bittersweet honey that mingled with the girl's aura. It had been years since she felt the magic stir within her but she felt the pull like an old friend come to visit.

Her family and their safety came first, though the last thing she desired to do was to hand over another witch. If The Destroyers came, she’d have no choice.

The floorboard behind her creaked with the weight of her husband and his shadow darkened the girl's pale features, “What should we do with her?”

Sighing, she shrugged.