Summer Peonies

I promised pictures. My mother has a peony garden, they are her favorite flowers. So with them in bloom and the light right, I grabbed my weapon and artillery. Here are some of my shots.

LIfe Is Good...FINALLY!

LONGEST SIX MONTHS!

But the light is in sight, things that I had dreamed of for so long, and tried so hard to achieve is finally coming my way. I fought through so much ugliness. I mearly thought to look at the want adds before dinner and found two interesting opportunities and applied to both. To my surpise, one called me back and now I have the opportunity to manage my own property. Well, it isn't mine perse but my resposibility. It's in a good location and in good repair but there are challenges a plenty to keep me busy for awhile.

I have also met a man. I know I had met one of those before, unfortunatly, he missed the biggest must have...girlfriend. It feels good with this one, we are in a similar place in our lives. Rushing is not something either of us want. Fun. He seems like a lot of fun. So unless queen mab steels him away in the dark of the night, I will enjoy him.

So far the warmth of summer's promesses are permenting my soul.

Must have list...

I met someone the other day. It wasn't something planned, and when I first met him I didn't think WOW but by the time we had parted ways, I was thinking damn. He has this sexy geek thing going for him and a motorcycle too! I haven't wanted to date since leaving my husband/high school sweetheart/father of my children. I promised myself that I wouldn't, not until I was ready. Ready, how does one ever know they are ready? I don't.

I did test the waters a little. There was this one guy; he was honest when he told me he wasn't married. But later I found out that while not married he was living with his girlfriend of 20+ years and mother of his 3 kids. Apparently, they were having issues and she wasn't being supportive enough. I told him I thought he was great, but give me a call when he was more single.

Like many I have my list. You know the one; he has to have these certain qualities or traits to even pass in to the call back line. Here is mine:

1. Single, yes that means no wife and no girlfriend boys!
2. Employed, I don't care if you’re rich or poor, but a steady job is a must.
3. This is the tricky one and only applies to those with children. Dedicated, kids come first, no if ands or buts. If your kid calls and they need you, you better choose them or me or your friend.
4. Attractive, that is a little shallow (wait till you read number five), I know. But I need to be attracted to the guy and I want to be able to look at him.
5. Endowed, there's just no easy way to say it.
6. Nice, not over the top, but nice. Someone that isn't angry at the world and can enjoy the little things.
7. Confident, I find this is tied to jealous and controlling behaviors which I will not stand for.

So that's it, It's not a long impossible to live up to list, but those little things I will not compromise on. There are other things that I hope for, but those I can bend and flex on.

 

On to a new world

I have two unfinished MS and one completed. Part of me is drawn to work on these, but they were started wen I was in a different place in my life. I struggle with the idea of whether I should move on instead of revisiting them. I love the plots and the characters, I feel compelled to finish their story, and perhaps one day I will be ready to.

For now I really want to sink my creative juices into is something new and fresh that represents the new me. I have been looking for ME. While I don't think I have found me yet I want to continue to move forward, and the only way I see that happening is to set the old stuff aside. I have a huge desire to write some non-fiction shorts together to submit. But...I have an idea for a new project!

A little racy but with done with class, set in the 20's or 30's. A girl coming of age and entering a brothel looking for a living and ending up with much more. So I defiantly have some research to do, but I love that!

Courage to soldier on

I am not going to punish myself anymore. In the past year I have applied to at least a hundred jobs in the area and outside the state. Ninety percent haven't called or emailed me any kind of response. I have let this invade my psyche, even though I had no really desire to work there and little to no idea who the company was I was applying for.

I knew how ridiculous this was, but couldn't help the desperate and continued search for some direction to my life. Today I walked in the park, enjoying the warmer Northwest Ohio spring day; reflecting on that enduring pull towards the arts. Always a fleeting desire pushed aside by lack of funds or time.

I can admit that those are excuses. When I submit to anything creative I always feel better! In truth, I was writing a few years ago and had all the same stresses I have today, but I felt better. My downfall was writing a manuscript and taking a real honest look at what I wrote. I exposed things I didn't mean to expose. As anyone who has ever done that, knows just how terrifying it is to see your soul bared. This is real writer's block.

I have tried, as this blog shows, to recapture that flow time and time again to no avail.

But what does one thing have to do with the other...EVERYTHING! The past weeks I have been burnt out and frustrated by all the jobs I have applied for to no avail. I have wondered if the powers that be may have something else planed for me and it's time I stop fighting it. I am not going to resolve to write more, but to submit: Two each month.

I will continue to use this space as a diary of sorts, a writers retreat and tale of her pursuits, failures, and successes.

Embracing Change

One year ago I walked away from a familiar life. That was harder than anyone who hasn't done it could know. No it wasn't a happy one but I learned to accept it, even embrace it in a way. With some reflection, I cannot today, recognize that person. To date it is one of the  bravest things I have done, I hoped it was going to be a good decision but the future is so unknown there was no way to KNOW. I didn't have anything but faith and hope, and on that I jumped blindfolded into the unknown.

It has not been a postcard year. But one of tremendous change; internal and external. 

I find myself ready to move on and move forward. There isn't anything holding me back: except me. Unsure of what to do, the past week I have applied to dozens of jobs with no direction or focus. As much as I would like to say: hospitality is in my past. I wonder. Of course there are many things I would never miss, but still there are many more things I miss. The family like atmosphere is one of the biggest. In this past week I have been told that I am suited for it. And I miss it. Don't get me wrong, I would love to open my own bistro. But without the financial backing and credit that looks up to the toilet, I just cannot see it just yet.

So hospitality it is! But looking around at the gray and brown landscape, the cold, bone shattering wind six months out of the year has me looking elsewhere. So could there be more changes to come. I hope so! I shall embrace the change... 

Nothing Left to Lose...

I gave seven+ years of my life to the hospitality industry. Dealing with arrogance beyond what I thought possible in people. I stayed for those wonderful people I met along the way. Both co-workers and guests. 

It's a selfless career path. I would do whatever I could to make people happy and comfortable. I realized that they were away from home and that in itself is a hard thing. I met people who spent more time in hotel beds than their own. Finding that I could make at least some difference in their comfort was worth all the grief I may get from the few people who were only happy in their misery. 

But.



I don't think I will go back to that. I walked into work Wednesday, just after siting down to review my emails, my boss called me into her office. I prepared myself for yet another scolding, I should have prepared myself for more. For the first time in my life I was fired from a job. I will admit I was surprised even though I knew it would eventually come. For when you have a target on your back, as anyone who has ever had one knows, it's like a tattoo: only a painful surgery will remove it. 

With mixed emotions I have walked through the past days, ready to close that chapter of my life and fearful of the unknown future. There has even been cheer. So many of my co-workers have reached out. It's nice to know there was appreciation. I hope they all know how much I love them and will miss each of them.

But.

What to do. I admit, I have no idea! So here I am. 

I took a day trip with my wonderful daughter yesterday and camera. I realize all the pictures have a theme: Loneliness.

I was going for solidarity. The images tell the truth of it. I have felt alone for so long a time that I am not sure there is any other truth. So I face the truth of it and move forward. Perseverance! I have nothing left to lose and an adventure at hand. I shall seek out my next chapter and share the trials I encounter.